I find it so interesting how your brain allows you to process things. The key word here is allows (you don’t really have a choice). I keep going through these circles in my mind. I keep trying to process the fact that Ryane is gone, but it’s like I relapse into ignorance over and over again. And I have to go through the same process, because it doesn’t feel real. Being home for spring break, I can see her walking into the living room to paint. When my Opa (German for “grandpa”) handed me 20 bucks, he said split it between Kennedy and Connor, and the first thought in my mind, was what about Ryane? Or all the moments in my life, where having Ryane by my side would have just made sense. People talk about this all the time. The thought that this person could appear at any moment. And some people are purposefully not accepting the truth. But the rest of us, we are trying. Trying to come to this realization, so that we can continue our lives, but our brains won’t let us.
I looked into a little bit more. On how our brains are trying to protect us from our own grief. The word they use is Denial. “Denial is understood as a defense against the brutal reality. It blunts the impact of the loss, offers you a temporary respite and allows you to process those overwhelming feelings more gradually. On one level you recognize that your loved one has died; on another level, you’re unable to grasp all the ramifications of that harsh and unwelcome reality.” – Marty Tousley
So this apparently is what I am going through. An unwanted denial. My brain literally won’t let me realize the extent of my sister’s death, because it is trying to protect me. Trying to allow me time to process it little by little. I feel like I’m going insane because I can’t just comprehend it. I have to keep going in circles. I’m stuck.
So that’s where I am at right now. Going in and out of the conclusion that my sister is dead. Figuring out every other day what exactly that means, while at the same time feeling like she is going to walk through the door at any moment. Looking at pictures of her, and feeling like I will see her face just one more time. And then, remembering the funeral, remembering the reality, and my world crumpling again. But not completely crumpling, because I already know she’s gone. This is what life is right now. I still can’t sleep in her room. I still don’t want to change anything that she touched, just so I can have the little she left behind. It’s just a lost feeling.
Who knows when or if I will ever be able to come to terms with Ryane being gone. Each day is a new wave of things I will never do with her. Things I will never say to her. Wave after wave after wave. And I am just along for the ride.
**This semester is going by so fast. Sorry it’s been a while since I last posted. I am currently home for Spring Break! Please keep up the prayers for my family. Thanks. ❤