Without them

It’s like a ticking time bomb.

One minute you are in the present.

The next you are thrown into a memory.

Not by choice.

And you leave the present to be there.

To experience it as if it is all that exists.

It replays.

It must have been triggered by something?

Or maybe not?

It doesn’t matter.

Because you have no choice but to experience it right now.

You can see the whole event unfold before your eyes.

The happiness. The sadness. The anger.

Whatever emotion the memory brings.

It consumes you.

Forced to relive it.

Even if it hurts you to remember it.

You close your eyes and hold on to that memory for as long as you can.

For a second, you can forget that that moment will never come again.

For a minute, this memory is your present.

This memory is everything to you.

For an instant, everything is right in the world.

You are reunited.

You are laughing at dinner.

You are jamming to songs in the car.

You are talking till all hours of the night.

You are sitting in each others presence as you always have.

For a split second, the pain is gone.

Only the memory exists.

And then it all comes back.

And you are back to the reality.

You are back to the present where you must live without.

Without that happiness you felt.

Without them.

Without.

These memories, you would think they would fade.

But they are so vivid.

They flash into your mind as if they happened yesterday.

And because of that you can pretend in that moment.

Pretend that it did happen yesterday.

Pretend that it could happen again.

But that moment is gone.

Those moments are gone.

And there is no way to get them back.

You can only move forward.

Never in control of the immersion into the past.

Enjoying them,

Crying because of them,

or just becoming numb to them.

Coming back to reality; that’s real pain.

To feel the loss.

To ache for them.

It doesn’t matter how long it has been.

It continues to hit.

To be without.


 

16143844_10212058571525828_1560726250122788764_o

xoxo,

  Signature

 

 

5 thoughts on “Without them

  1. ❤️❤️❤️ you all are always in our prayers. Loss is difficult but rest knowing you will see her in paradise. God is the answer!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your continued prayers. That knowledge is definitely my saving grace when grief hits me hard. ❤ ❤

      Like

  2. Absolutely well said and true part of me wants to be with my twin but I know it is impossible so I live I breath in the realm of my real reality learning to. Live with out her. Is a put heart ache .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautifully written and moving. I, too, sometimes pretend, if just for a moment… Thank you for being so articulate about what this tragic journey feels like.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s