Purposely Stuck

I understand why people feel stuck when they lose a loved one.

You realize they will never accomplish anything every again.

They will never experience life again.

They will never learn again.

Never laugh.

Never smile.

Never hug.

Never.

People get stuck because they don’t want to live in a world where that person isn’t experiencing the things they should be with them.

They will never celebrate a success with you.

They will never cry with you through a break-up.

They will never graduate with their own degree.

Or accomplish the dreams they set for themselves.

So you get stuck,

because what is a world without them?

I planned on celebrating every joyful moment

And crying over every struggle with them.

I planned to celebrate in their own victories,

and help them through their own difficulties.

I planned to live my life with them.

To wake up and know they would be a part of my life on that day.

But that’s not the case anymore,

and it won’t be ever again.

On Saturday, I graduated with my master’s in social work.

I am beyond excited to start my career in something I absolutely love.

And yet, as the ceremony came to a close…

I was brought to tears,

not because I was scared,

or sad to be done with school.

But because my person –

the one I always want to share my joy with –

is not here.

I have now gone through two graduations without her.

One with a degree that I hated,

and now with the one I love,

Guided by her – because I realized life is too short to do something you hate.

And it makes me so incredibly sad to know –

that she will never graduate.

She had big dreams –

majors in art and business –

dreams to create and grow her painting and drawing business.

Dreams to do what she loved.

But that all ended the day she died.

And I am so incredibly sad for her and for the world,

that they will never get to experience what she could have accomplished.

I am very grateful for the opportunities I have had.

I am grateful that I was able to work to pay for my graduate degree,

graduating with a 4.0 GPA, passing my PEL content exam, and finishing both internships in the middle of a pandemic.

I am grateful for so much.

And yet, I wish I could have her by my side cheering me on,

and myself, cheering her on in all her greatness.

I know she is still making an impact on the world

even after her death,

but man….I wish I could see her today.

She was so powerful,

so beautiful.

So much life left to give,

taken away in an instance.

My only advice I can give,

is do what you love,

be with the people you love,

and share your love with others.

Because life is too short to waste a moment on anything else.

I love and miss you every day, Ryane.

xoxo,

2 thoughts on “Purposely Stuck

  1. I get stuck sometimes too.

    It’s in these big moments, where people all around you are celebrating something, and that one person you would turn to and share your excitement is not there.

    It’s in the small moments too. I watched ‘Baby Driver’ a few days ago. I don’t think my Dad ever saw it. We grew up on action flicks like the Italian Job and Transporter.

    He would have loved this movie.

    I would have loved to have watched it with him.

    These moments for me are like little signposts that point to the rest. It’s not that we’re not grateful for the experience we are having. But the little signposts point back to the reality that your person is gone.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and experience.

    Like

    1. Thank you for sharing with me your experience with the loss of your Dad. I do this all the time with things I wish I could share with my sister. As you said, I am so grateful to have these experiences, but there is always the sadness of not being able to share it with our person. A sadness that only those who have loss of loved one truly understand. Thanks again.

      Like

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